Even Then

Suffering.

A word we don’t like. A word we don’t want to experience.

For the Christian, a word that can challenge our faith.

The dictionary defines it as the state of undergoing pain, distress, or hardship.

It is…

      …Ugly.

            …Painful.

                  …Gut-wrenching.

                        …Life-altering.  

It brings questions…

If you are really God why don’t you answer this?

If you loved me how can this happen?

Did you even hear my prayer?

WHERE ARE YOU???????? 

This week I’ve watched what seems like a multitude of friends experience this word.

Cancer

Depression

Miscarriage

Surgery

Mental Illness

Divorce

Death 

Ugly stuff.

Where is God in all of this? 

There are days, listening to the hurts of the people I love, where all I can say is, “I don’t know.”

There are no earthly answers.

I can’t give them a list of reasons.

It’s those days that I am reminded why faith in God seems crazy to those who have never experienced Him.  It’s hard to put your faith in a God you can’t see. Especially when life is hard.

In fact, I told a group last week that you have to be a little bit crazy to live out this faith thing. (Yes, I’ve actually had people tell me I’m crazy.) It’s okay. I get it. I would probably think the same thing if I were in their shoes.

All I know is what I told a friend recently. I had been sharing some stories of moments when I felt abandoned by God.

…when a friend murdered his wife and then himself.

   …when during my postpartum depression, I almost hurt my son.

      …when I felt certain that God wanted to heal someone and it didn’t happen.

         …when I felt rejection from someone I loved dearly.  

My friend wanted to know “How?  How do you get past it?”

I tried to remember.

Did God do something miraculous to get back in my good graces?

Did He show up as He has in the past and fill me with His goodness?

Did He suddenly fix what I was upset about? 

No.

In most cases, I don’t remember anything profound.  I didn’t notice an immediate greater good.  I still don’t understand why He allowed some of it.

Even stranger — when my life was at its darkest, other friends and family were experiencing good things.  Things I was happy for them about, but things that stood in direct contrast to how I was feeling and what I was experiencing. Their life was great. Their hope was intact.

The irony of our suffering is that when one is crying another is celebrating.

I felt wholly inadequate to give my friend an answer.

It’s a strange and glorious thing…this faith journey. When times of suffering happen there are no answers that will make a difference.  No magic words that can explain away our hurt. There is no shortcut out of the wilderness of pain.

I hung up the phone and felt strangely unsettled. I wanted so badly to offer some encouragement.

Instead, I sat in my chair in the quiet and remembered…

…old pains

      …old hurts

            …old fears 

Was there a common denominator that eventually helped me get through those moments with my faith intact?

Maybe. 

As I replayed those memories there was one thing I could see.

He was there.

In the midst of my suffering and questions and anger, He was next to me…always.

Listening

Holding

Waiting for my tears to be spent

I couldn’t see God then, but I do now. (Why is hindsight so much easier?)

Trusting is hard.

Life makes no promises.

Unanswered prayers (or not answered my way) hurt.

All I know was that He was present…even then.

Even when my heart was broken.

He is present…still.

 

“For he has not despised my cries of deep despair; he has not turned and walked away.

When I cried to him, he heard and came.”  Psalm 22:24